


Lettuce Get Married

by snailjamsge



Category: The School for Good and Evil - Soman Chainani
Genre: Agatha caters the wedding, Brone ordains the wedding for some reason, Cooking, F/F, Lizard soup, Sophie acting like an Ever, hestadil, wedding au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snailjamsge/pseuds/snailjamsge
Summary: Agatha caters Hester and Anadil’s wedding at Hester’s request, and the Never waiters refuse to wash any lettuce before serving it.“Hey Tedros,” Sophie grinned. “Want some of my lettuce?”This fic is only about 67% serious.
Relationships: Agatha/Tedros (The School for Good and Evil), Anadil/Hester (The School for Good and Evil)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	Lettuce Get Married

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pumpkinpaperweight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkinpaperweight/gifts), [sharkwingduck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkwingduck/gifts), [baetrixv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetrixv/gifts), [theabeatrice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theabeatrice/gifts), [theleagueofthirteen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theleagueofthirteen/gifts).



“There are two types of people in the world,” Agatha groused. “Those who wash their lettuce and those who don’t.” Nevers definitely don’t wash their lettuce. 

Agatha watched as Vex, Ravan, and Mona plucked at the leaves with disgust before throwing them forcefully into the salad bowl. Agatha supposed that they included the measly nutritional offering to the few Evers that would be attending the wedding. Few Evers being Tedros, Beatrix, Reena, Kiko, a few others, and Sophie: The Ever of Cuisine.

—-

Last week, Hester had shyly approached Agatha to ask if the clump-wearing girl could cater a lunch for her wedding to Anadil. Hester raged about how good the lizard soup was that one time, careful to not omit the part of that memory where Tedros literally turned green from it.

“I can almost use his skin for a new frog print fabric!” Hort laughed at the time while slurping up a lizard’s tail noisily. 

Agatha, of course, agreed to the request but not before staring at Hester wide-eyed. 

“You and Anadil are DATING?” Agatha yelled.

“Sometimes, I think you’re almost as dumb as Tedros. Of course we’re dating.” Hester’s demon tattoo glared at Agatha. “Been dating for a while now,” she muttered.

Well it’s not like I saw anything, Agatha thought. Although, she supposed that all of the giggling from Anadil and Hester a couple years back was pretty uncharacteristic of her. Agatha had thought the two witches working on their evil cackles. Apparently not. Professor Anemone would be ashamed if she ever knew that Agatha couldn’t tell the different between a giggle and a cackle. That’s day one material right there!

—-

Back to the lettuce. Agatha despised the stuff, but it was the only way to encourage any Evers (and Sophie) to even attend the luncheon held after the official ceremony. Sophie would probably rescind her RSVP if she even thought that Agatha would be preparing the meals.

Nobody was using gloves. Agatha thought she spied one of Mona’s hairs in the pig’s feet, and Ravan was off making out with a raw carp in an attempt to make Vex laugh. The entire kitchen had a distinct burnt smell to it, if you could call it a kitchen. The entire room had but one fork between everyone, and all of the Nevers were avoiding it like the plague. (“Mummy told me to never trust cutlery unless you plan on throwing it at someone. Course, that was the one fatal mistake she made in her life,” Ravan had stated once he entered the kitchen.)

Hester and Anadil were going to LOVE the meal. When Agatha had initially protested the abysmal health and safety conditions of the kitchen, Hester had suggested that they use Tedros as the trash can for any extra food. Agatha swiftly declined that offer. (“What?” Hester grinned. “It’s not like he’s good for anything else, and he will open his mouth like one if you step on his foot.”)

Agatha turned back to her signature dish: the lizard soup. She had opted for lizards imported from Ooty and made sure that all of the ingredients were of the highest quality. Nothing would be worse than finding a newt instead of a lizard in the supposed lizard soup on your wedding. She seasoned the soup with more enthusiasm than she had shown for her own wedding. Tedros’ neverending cheek-to-cheek grin made up for her somber tone.

——

“Do you take Anadil to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Brone asked sweatily. 

“I take Anadil to be my UNlawfully wedded wife,” Hester responded smugly.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” said Anadil, being sincere for probably the first time in her life. And with that, the pair pushed Brone off the podium and kissed passionately. (Or at least, as passionately as two Nevers ever could.) Sophie cried big anime tears, pulling out her third handkerchief of the evening. 

“To think,” Sophie smiled through tears, “that I was the one who brought this happy couple together.” 

Hester stopped making out with Anadil to yell, “you absolutely did not! I-“ 

Her words were broken off by Anadil going in for another kiss. Nothing spells wedding day like two usually cold Nevers making out center stage. Sophie couldn’t be more proud.

___

Agatha sent Mona, Vex, and Ravan out in a straight line to begin delivering the food, but the arrived at the tables in more of a triangular shape.

Ravan served the Nevers at table one a steaming platter of snake tails, oyster shells, and undercooked pasta. He also accidentally served them a bit of sweat on the side platter, but the Nevers barely noticed it — they thought it was part of the fancy plating.

Mona served the disgruntled school staff, and by that I mean only Castor, a big bowl of dog food. “GRUBS UP,” Castor said in an unusually low tone before spraying bits of kibble all over the table.

Brone, who has dusted himself off by now, plunked the big vat of lizard soup on Anadil and Hester’s table. The two couldn’t wait to dig in.

Vex served the Evers (and Sophie) a big pile of unwashed lettuce with one radish on top.

“Hey Tedros,” Sophie grinned. “Want some of my lettuce?”

“Not this again!” Tedros groaned.

When Beatrix and Reena looked a bit disgusted by the literal dirt still clinging to the leaves, Dot stood up from her seat and helpfully turned the whole mess into chocolate.

“At least it’s all the same color now,” Dot said. All of the Evers thanked Dot profusely before diving into the chocolate dish. Anadil’s vows had been unexpectedly thirty minutes long — with her recounting every important moment in their relationship, which was apparently all of it — the Evers needed some sustenance. 

All in all, a very happy day for the unlawful marriage of two Nevers.

——

All in a day’s work, Agatha thought before heading out of the kitchen to join Tedros at the table. She eyed the fork warily before closing the kitchen door for good. Maybe the unwashed lettuce wouldn’t taste that bad. She heard someone retching in the corner of the dining room but decided to leave that for another person to deal with. She could only ever be So Good.

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhh I wrote this in an hour. :)


End file.
